The best relationship jokes are barely jokes. They are observations about things that genuinely happen in your house, delivered with enough timing that the person they are about laughs instead of taking offence.
That is why thermostats, dishwashers and the TV remote show up more often than anything romantic. Nobody argues about moonlight; everybody argues about who paused the episode.
Here are 90-odd original relationship jokes for couples, sorted by battleground: chores, food, sleep, driving, in-laws and the long-term stage where comfortable silence counts as a date. Swipe through and copy one for a card, a caption or a group chat.
MARRIAGE
My wife asked me to stop singing Wonderwall. I said maybe.
Joke 1 of 91
MARRIAGE
Marriage is finding one person to irritate until death, and then haunting them.
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MARRIAGE
My husband said I never listen. Or something like that.
Joke 3 of 91
MARRIAGE
We've been married so long we argue in shorthand. Now it's just eyebrows.
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MARRIAGE
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes at the story he's telling again.
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MARRIAGE
Marriage counselling is expensive. Learning to say 'you were right' is free.
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MARRIAGE
My partner and I never go to bed angry. We stay up until we're too tired to care.
Joke 7 of 91
MARRIAGE
The secret to a happy marriage is still a secret, but it probably involves separate duvets.
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MARRIAGE
We renewed our vows. Mostly to renegotiate the washing-up clause.
Joke 9 of 91
CHORES
I asked my partner to load the dishwasher. Now I have trust issues.
Joke 10 of 91
CHORES
My partner cleans like a detective: only the areas we're about to be judged on.
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CHORES
We split the chores equally. I do them, and she inspects them.
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CHORES
Nothing exposes a relationship like one person finding the hoover 'put away' in the hallway.
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CHORES
My husband says he'll do it later. Later is a place I've never visited.
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CHORES
We have a system for the bins. The system is me remembering.
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CHORES
I folded the fitted sheet by myself. The marriage felt threatened.
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FOOD
My partner says she's not hungry, then eats most of mine. We call this a tasting menu.
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FOOD
I cooked a romantic dinner. We ordered a takeaway at nine.
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FOOD
My husband thinks seasoning is a myth invented by restaurants.
Joke 19 of 91
FOOD
The quickest way to start a fight in our house is to finish the good cheese.
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FOOD
We're very adventurous eaters. Last week we tried a different brand of beans.
Joke 21 of 91
FOOD
I made her breakfast in bed. She asked why there were crumbs in the bed.
Joke 22 of 91
FOOD
Our relationship survived a shared bag of chips. Barely.
Joke 23 of 91
TV
My partner pressed play without me. I'm consulting my solicitor.
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TV
We spent ninety minutes choosing a film. We watched the trailer and went to bed.
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TV
He falls asleep during every film, then asks what happened to the man.
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TV
I know the plot of every show she's fallen asleep during, which is all of them.
Joke 27 of 91
TV
My wife watches crime documentaries, then asks me to check the locks. I'm not the problem.
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TV
We don't have a 'his and hers' side of the sofa. We have a correct side and a wrong one.
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SLEEP
My husband snores so loudly the smoke alarm feels redundant.
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SLEEP
She steals the duvet with the confidence of someone who paid for it alone.
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SLEEP
Our bedroom has two climates and one thermostat. It's a war zone.
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SLEEP
I like the window open. He likes to be alive. We compromise, unhappily.
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SLEEP
Nothing says romance like being elbowed for breathing too enthusiastically.
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SLEEP
We've been together ten years and still haven't agreed on what time 'bedtime' is.
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SHOPPING
We went in for milk. We came out with a plant, a candle and no milk.
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SHOPPING
My partner's idea of browsing is buying. My idea of buying is leaving.
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SHOPPING
Nothing tests love like flat-pack furniture and one Allen key.
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SHOPPING
She said the sofa was 'an investment'. The sofa has not appreciated.
Joke 39 of 91
SHOPPING
I was told we were 'just looking'. We are now the owners of a hot tub.
Joke 40 of 91
SHOPPING
We have a joint account and two very different definitions of 'essential'.
Joke 41 of 91
DRIVING
I'm an excellent driver. My wife is an excellent commentator.
Joke 42 of 91
DRIVING
He refuses to use the satnav, which is how we saw so much of Wales.
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DRIVING
Our marriage has survived everything except parallel parking in front of each other.
Joke 44 of 91
DRIVING
She says I drive too fast. I say she brakes too loudly from the passenger seat.
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DRIVING
Road trips are great. The first forty minutes especially.
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TECH
My partner has 48,000 unread emails and sleeps perfectly well.
Joke 47 of 91
TECH
He replies to my texts with a thumbs up. I'm considering legal action.
Joke 48 of 91
TECH
We share a photo library, so my camera roll is 90% her lunch.
Joke 49 of 91
TECH
She asked me to fix the WiFi. I turned it off and on, and now I'm an engineer.
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TECH
Nothing kills romance faster than 'can you just look at my laptop for a second'.
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TECH
We argue over the charger like it's the last one on earth. It is.
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HABITS
My wife says I leave cupboard doors open. I say I'm airing the mugs.
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HABITS
He has one sock permanently on the floor. It's basically a pet.
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HABITS
She tells the same story at every party and I nod like it's breaking news.
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HABITS
I've been pronouncing it wrong for twelve years and she corrects me every time, lovingly.
Joke 56 of 91
HABITS
My partner is always ten minutes late, so I tell her everything starts earlier. We're both liars now.
Joke 57 of 91
HABITS
He says he'll 'just check one thing' on his phone. That was Tuesday.
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ARGUMENTS
We never argue. We have loud negotiations about the thermostat.
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ARGUMENTS
Our worst fight was about directions to a place we'd already been.
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ARGUMENTS
'Fine' is a complete sentence, a threat and a weather warning.
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ARGUMENTS
She remembers everything I said in 2019. I don't remember breakfast.
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ARGUMENTS
We settle arguments like adults: whoever is hungrier apologises first.
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ARGUMENTS
He apologised with a cup of tea. Honestly, it worked.
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ARGUMENTS
Our arguments have a theme tune now. It's the sound of the dishwasher being reloaded.
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DATING
Dating is just interviewing someone for a job neither of you is qualified for.
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DATING
Our first date was perfect. The second one revealed he can't whisper.
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DATING
She said she liked long walks. She meant from the sofa to the fridge.
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DATING
He said he was a great cook. He is a great orderer of food.
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DATING
We met online, which means we both lied about liking hiking.
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DATING
My profile said I was easy-going. It's the only lie that still holds up.
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ROMANCE
I bought her flowers for no reason. She asked what I'd done.
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ROMANCE
Romance is him warming my side of the bed and claiming he didn't.
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ROMANCE
He wrote me a love letter. It was mostly about the car.
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ROMANCE
I said I'd love her forever. She asked me to prove it by taking the bins out.
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ROMANCE
Date night now means both of us on the sofa pretending we might go out.
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ROMANCE
The most romantic thing he's ever said was 'I already paid it'.
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PETS
The dog likes him more, and he brings it up constantly.
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PETS
We agreed no pets in the bed. We now sleep around a cat.
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PETS
The cat is her favourite and I've made peace with being third.
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PETS
We don't have children, but we do argue about whose turn it is to feed the hamster.
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FAMILY
My mother-in-law gives advice like weather warnings: constant and unavoidable.
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FAMILY
Christmas with both families is just scheduling with extra gravy.
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FAMILY
His family hugs. Mine nods from across the room. We're learning.
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FAMILY
Her dad still calls me 'mate' after nine years. We're getting there.
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LONG TERM
We're at the stage where a whole evening passes in comfortable silence and that's the good part.
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LONG TERM
Twelve years in, and the most exciting thing we do is compare symptoms.
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LONG TERM
We finish each other's sentences. Usually with 'no, that's not what I meant'.
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LONG TERM
Our idea of a wild weekend is both of us falling asleep before ten.
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LONG TERM
We've reached the point where the thrill is finding a parking space right outside.
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LONG TERM
People ask our secret. It's low expectations and a very good kettle.
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Telling These Without Starting a Row
A joke about your partner works when they are in on it. The same line can read as affectionate in a birthday card and as a public complaint under a photo of them, so think about who is watching before you post.
If you want a reliable laugh, pick the ones where you are the punchline. Couples rarely mind being teased about the thermostat; they mind being the only one being teased.
For more of the same mood, read our funny relationship quotes, or start something with our funny questions to ask your partner.
